My Man-Crushes 2009, Prelude: Billy Mays, the Pitchman

A few summers ago, I dared list “my man-crushes” (click to read parts one and two), a term I shudder to use, as it perpetuates the slow but steady erosion of masculinity in America. However, in this case, some men are such consummate examples of this brand of gravitas that I don’t mind bending my own self-image in homage to them. This summer, I sought to revise the list through thorough installments -- these guys are my Argentine soul mate or anything, but for me a breath of fresh air against this summer’s pop culture pessimism.

So, while I brainstormed who would remain on the list, who would be removed, and with whom they’d be replaced, Billy Mays came to mind. Now that he has so unexpectedly passed away, I’m aghast at the thought of my new man-crush list becoming an ill omen for its subjects. Of course, that’s not going to stop me from making it -- but know that the concern exists.

Now, while I dare not include Mays posthumously, I will use him as the comprehensive example of what qualifies as a “man-crush” to me, establishing the categories by which future candidates will be judged and honoring his enduring memory at the same time. Also, I should quickly mention that I will only allow myself seven man-crushes at any given time (the perfect number), and that all man-crushes must maintain the characteristics I describe, lest they loose their place on my list. These characteristics are:

1. Contemporary Influence: Anybody that stays up past midnight will understand that Billy Mays is as much a fixture on late night television as is the end table you fixed with Mighty Putty in your living room. However, the urgent necessity of his products transcended afterhours and made him a household name via daytime commercials and his reality show, The Pitchmen. Mays perfectly epitomizes the consummate man-crush’s requirement to remain currently relevant; his products systematically solve life’s greatest problems! First, Oxyclean promised to keep the house clean, then Hercules Hooks assured that anything can be hung in said clean house, and so on. Who knows, if Mays were still us, he may have wrought world peace with an intangible adhesive that binds one to his fellow man . . . and if we acted fast enough, we’d have received that halogen reading lamp at no extra cost.

2. A Practical Understanding of the Opposite Sex: The key word in this requirement is “practical.” My man-crushes model how to fulfill a woman’s basic needs -- and without hyperbole. He doesn’t need a list of rules or the ambiguity of contemporary pop psycho-babble, like claiming men are from Mars, to make a woman happy. Again, consider Billy Mays. His products wipe up spills. Fix broken coffee mugs. In other words, the banes of every housewife’s existence. Billy found a way to defeat these persistent demons effortlessly -- giving women competence in the problem-solving role many relationship experts mindlessly assign to men. In their compartmentalization of the genders, these “experts” actually depowered women. Now, thanks to Billy Mays, a woman can open her own pickle jar. You’re welcome.

3. Global Significance: Everyone has heard the old saying, “Think globally, act locally.” Billy Mays personified this mantra perfectly. First of all, he acted as locally as his very own kitchen (or, at least, a set that simulated it) -- but I’m not even talking about the necessity of his problem-solving products. No, Billy represented a self confidence more piercing and powerful than any Hercules Hook. He embodied an ability to believe in something and share it with conviction , with clear and concise language. His recent interview on The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien reveals the intent behind his volume, as he insisted that he wasn’t yelling, but merely projecting -- a lesson many of us should learn. Also, in many of his commercials, Billy wasn’t obscured by a workbench or kitchen island, unless in the instance of a demonstration. Instead, Mays’ blue-collared-shirt-tucked-into-his-belted-khaki-pants-covered torso was unencumbered and in fact coming toward you, hands beckoning outward in an invitation of domestic satisfaction. “Billy Mays here,” he always introduced, as if selling himself first was critical to the selling of his product. He was right.

These three simple categories are the standards by which I’ll hold my man-crushes from now on, and as I eluded, I will replace candidates if they fail to deliver in comparison to another up-‘n-comer. While I shun the term “man-crush” by name, I embrace the concept, as nothing defines real masculinity as the desire to learn from one’s fellow man -- the hope that those held in esteem offer something to the greater good of this global village we live in. Remember, thanks to the Internet and reality television, anybody can be manufactured into a plain old celebrity nowadays . . . and, thankfully, it takes a man’s man to crush these delicate sensibilities.